Salty Sunday: Jupiter Ascending (2015)

I went to the cinema to see Jupiter Ascending knowing very little about it, this was intentional. If I have a slight interest in a film I always attempt to avoid as much of the hype and trailers as I can. I naively believed that the Wachowskis (Lana Wachowski and Lilly Wachowski) were perfectly capable of delivering a relatively decent film considering their back-catalogue at that time. How very wrong I was. I have only ever walked out on three films in my entire life, this was one of them.


Jupiter Ascending (2015) on IMDb

There is so much wrong with this film I suppose the only way to start is at the beginning. On subjecting myself to this trash again, I at least get the opportunity to nit-pick at all the parts I missed the first time. So, we begin with a completely unnecessary back story to our main character, Jupiter, which literally bears absolutely no relevance to the storyline whatsoever. We have a family that is clearly well moneyed, as I can assume based on their home and belongings. Then we have a Jupiter’s father who is inexplicably murdered, then Jupiter’s mother strangely leaves her life of comfort to travel across to the USA to live a life of poverty and misery. Makes sense. Jupiter works as a cleaner with her family, she hates her life, so she says. She longs for an escape from the repetition and dullness. Sadly, we are then faced with a two-hour long film of repetition and dullness.

Jupiter Jones: Do you like waffles?

Caine Wise: What are waffles?

Loads of aliens want to kill or kidnap Jupiter because she is a reincarnation of some dead royal woman from space. In comes the love interest to rescue her. Cue a long drawn out yawnfest of an “action” scene. We learn that Jupiter is reincarnated from the Abrasax family who are a millennia-old family who in all the thousands of years being alive have only developed interests in looking good, wearing nice clothes, and money. They are so interested in it that they will harvest an unfathomable amount of human beings to maintain their looks and lifestyles (The Wachowskis again showing their obsession with harvesting human beings). One would think a family so old would be a tad more enlightened. The absurdities don’t stop there. It seems Jupiter is obsessed with clothes as well, regardless of what crazy situation she finds herself in, all she can think about is her clothes. Wakes up after some aliens tried to kill her and she was saved by some human wolf hybrid on magic roller skates? “Oh, my clothes”. Wakes up floating in the air on some new planet? “Oh, new clothes”. Is rescued and taken aboard a large spaceship? “Can I have some new clothes please?”. Both the Wachowskis and Mila Kunis failed to bring to the film anything that resembles how a normal human being would react to such circumstances.


Then we have the incredibly odd and ill-fitting Brazil (1985) style bureaucracy section of the film which also fails at every attempt to be funny. This combined with the awful romance scenes between Kunis and Tatum left me physically cringing and wincing.
Did Jupiter get kidnapped again? I’ve lost count of how many times now. And Sean Bean is still alive, this is never a good sign.
Eddie Redmayne’s overacting.
Titus wants to marry Mummy.
Magic roller skating dog boy to the rescue.
Jupiter’s family is kidnapped by giant lizards this time.
Some more of Eddie Redmayne’s overacting.
Mila Kunis is not acting.
Magic roller skating dog boy to the rescue.
I don’t care.
I hope everyone dies.


This film is possibly the worst film I have ever had the misfortune to see. I would happily watch The Room (2003) over this any day, given the choice. I just cannot comprehend how the Wachowskis can go from creating such brilliance as The Matrix (1999) to then crap out this pile of dog shite.
The Wachowskis sadly didn’t have much of worth to say with this film. It is shallow, boring and complete style over substance, unlike The Matrix which had both style and substance. I can only assume the Wachowskis were suffering from folie à deux when they made this film and I can only wonder if there is any hope of some ground-breaking film in the future, but I won’t hold my breath.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Powered by

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: